Lord of the Banana: Fellowship of the Banana
by Oakland
Summary: ok this is a parody thingy...all i know is that you'll be laughing till it hurts... bc its stupid and thats the whole point! COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Nary: ok... this is a stupid thingy... that me and my friend made, like a parody or... well different version for LOTR

Frodo: is that different?

Nary: nod yes... yes it is...

Disclaimer: no i dont own any of theLOTR characters... but i claim ownership on Tarenya! and Kuraishi goes to my friend... so yeah...

* * *

**Tarenya:** (walks in and looks around) this is going to be great! (Grabs popcorn and soda)

**Kuraishi:** (right in front of her) (fake laugh) ehehehe…no…

**Tarenya:** Oh well… Let's do this anyway!

**Kuraishi:** OK!

* * *

An elfin female walked out onto the floor. Her eyes burned brightly as she began her long tale of Middle Earth and the Great War that had wrung the lands for quite a few years. "I can feel it in the water. I can feel it in…" a banana flies from the side and hits her in the head, knocking her out.

"I am a banana!" the banana walks off.

The female elf wakes up and shakes off her sleep, trying to recoup with what had happened. "What happened?" She sighs after looking around. "Oh well… Where was I?" Inhales and is about to begin when the banana walks back out and glares at her. "Uhh…maybe not… Just watch the story!" The elf lady screams and runs off.

Two elves stand there holding up one ring each.

The female elf walks back in. "Three rings were given to the elves." Holds her own ring up.

Seven dwarf lords are seen with one ring each.

"Seven rings to…" the banana walks out and attacks the elf. The banana is thrown across the room. "Hahaha!" the elf laughs. "As I was saying… Seven rings to the dwarf lords…

Nine humans, all old men, are standing around, looking at the ring in each of their hands. They all start drooling.

"Uhh… yeah… nine rings of power were given to the human kings, who desired power most…"

(Switch scene to a volcano. Sauron is standing at rim, holding up the banana…)

"But one so vile and evil and all mean like person made a different one…"

Sauron holds the One Banana up but falls to his death in the really really hot lava.

"That had to hurt…" she winces and hits the rewind button. "He made a different one…"

Sauron holds the banana up and moves forward as not to fall. "Aha!" he falls backwards anyways.

"Well, anyway, Sauron worked on conquering the world as we knew it. But he didn't get too far. Isildur took the sword Narsil and cut off his hand. Blood and guts flew everywhere! Destruction! Mayhem! Turkey!" A turkey flies around in the background. "O.o…" She pauses. "So, Isildur took the banana, and when he was about to throw it into the really really hot lava he went rigid and fell down a mountain that wasn't there before. But, the creature, called Gollum, found the banana…"

(Scene change to Gollum)

Gollum is sitting in a cave petting his goldfish Ralph. Elf lady walks over to him. "What are you doing!"

"Gollum is smuggling his goldfish Ralph across the border of Hawaii…"

"Oh… carry on then…" She walks off. "But the banana left Gollum…"

Gollum loses banana and starts rejoicing. Elf lady glares at him so he cries out. "My Speeeecial!"

"Then, the most unlikely creature found the banana. A hobbit named Bilbo Baggins." Sifi music plays in the background.

Bilbo walks in "Its Bilbo Abdomen!" Elf lady glares at Bilbo and he holds up banana "Don't make me use this!" Bilbo throws the banana at the elf lady knocking her out, again. Bilbo laughs maniacally. "I'm the new evil! BUAHAHAHAHA!" runs off stage laughing. "MUAHA…" (cough) "MUHA" (cough).

Elf lady jerks awake and stares at the retreating Bilbo. "O.o… o.O…erm…. anyways… Now has come the time where hobbits will shape the earth."

Merry walks in holding an oversized spoon. "My spoon is too big!" Than a dancing banana skips onto stage. "Fooooood." Merry runs after banana. Elf lady stares at them. "That's it I quit!" she stomps off stage.

* * *

**Tarenya:** (pauses between sips of soda) Does that mean the stories over?

**Kuraishi:** (is staring at the stage in bewilderment) erm… no… we'll… we'll just get another elf lady…

**Tarenya:** (beaming smile) Yippee! Ya know this just might work!

**Kuraishi:** (sighs) who knows, now back to the story…

* * *

SHIRE, 60 YEARS LATER:

Frodo sits under a tree reading a book. Book title is 'How to Manage Your Banana'. He hears some singing in the background. "BIRDIE BIRDIE IN THE SKY, WHY YOU DOOGIE IN MY EYE? I WON'T WHINE AND I WON'T CRY. I'M JUST GLAD THAT COWS DON'T FLIEEEE!" Frodo runs to the singing sound but trips on the banana who is running away from Bilbo who is running after the banana who is running away from Bilbo who is running after the banana who is running away from Bilbo who is running- A boomerang hits narrator in the head and Crocodile Dun Dee walks out. "Get on wit' it mate!"

* * *

**Tarenya:** O.o

**Kuraishi:** o. O

**Tarenya:** Lets continue…

**Kuraishi:** yes, lets…

* * *

Frodo gets up and jumps in a passing wagon. "AHH!" the man in the wagon, who is Gandalf, screams. "Gandalf! You are the man in the wagon, but the man in the wagon is not necessarily you!"

Gandalf stares at Frodo blankly. "You get my christmahanakawanza present didn't you…?" Frodo nods so fast his head is a blur. "That's the last time I send you ten pounds of chocolate…" Frodo grins and Gandalf's eyes open wide. He takes his staff in hand and hits Frodo on the head repeatedly. "Die foul being!"

Frodo starts to kick Gandalf back. Frodo screams in pain and jumps off the wagon. Gandalf yells in triumph. "You…you…you…" Frodo whines.

Gandalf looks back and laughs then heads to Bilbo Ba… (Pardon me) Bilbo Abdomen's house. Bilbo appears and bows. "Thank you. Thank you." Runs off stage. Gandalf steps off the wagon and pats the horse on its neck. It whinnies, rears up, and gallops off. (Gandalf smelly) "Hmm… Wonder why he did that?" Breathes into his hand and smells. "Nothin' wrong there…" he shrugs. "All well…" Gandalf continues along the walkway to Bilbo's house. He bangs on the door with the butt of his staff.

* * *

**Tarenya:** (cracks up laughing and holding her sides.) HAHAHAHA! BUTT! THEY SAID BUTT!

**Kuraishi:** (smacks Tarenya upside the head) idiot

* * *

"No body home" says a ghost like voice, which is Bilbo's, from behind Gandalf. He jumps screaming "BLOODY MURDER!". The door creaks open and Bilbo suddenly appears in the doorway. Bilbo stares at Gandalf. "What are you screaming at old man?"

Gandalf stares behind him, breathing hard. "You…behind…there…here…" Gandalf started pointing at Bilbo and everywhere near him.

Bilbo shrugs "Whatever…You want some rum?"

Gandalf is calmed down now. "SURE!"

* * *

**Tarenya:** Rum? Its whiskey

**Kuraishi:** No! Sake!

**Tarenya:** actually, if you want to be perfectly accurate…

**Kuraishi:** Accu-what?"

**Tarenya: **correct… anyways, he is supposed to drink tea…

**Kuraishi:** To the hill then!

* * *

Gandalf and Bilbo ABDOMEN are sitting on a hill smoking something. Bilbo puffs a ring of smoke out and watches it float forward. Gandalf puff a turtle that crawls forward REALLY slowly. After an hour it reaches the circle that is almost gone. Frustrated, Gandalf shoots a bazooka at it making the molecules spread and disappear.

"So, Bilbo. How's young Frodo doing?" Gandalf's eye twitches. "He seems to have… matured?" 34

"Frodo? Matured? HA! Never in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, years!"

"True Dat!" Gandalf smiles.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** O.O can we skip to the party?

**Tarenya:** O.O (nods)

* * *

Party

Merry and Pippin walk over to the fireworks cart. "Grab the big one Pip!"

"Alright!" grabs the biggest one.

"No! The big one!"

Grabs a smaller one. "This…"

"Bigger…"

Grabs the smallest one. "This?"

"That's the one!" Merry smiles.

"I'll never understand you…" Walks off with the firework and Merry speaks softly; "Lets do this…"

Skip to Bilbo

"So kids, when we were about to be killed by the ogres, we were saved! By a squirrel!"

"A squirrel?"

Bilbo smiles. "Yes a squirrel. His name is BOB!"

* * *

So what do you think so far? laughing till your nose bleeds? well if you're not... you're not trying hard enough! 


	2. Chapter 2

Nary: WE! second part!

Aragorn: whos Bob?

Nary: im not sure... my friend wrote that part... so ask her...

Disclaimer: you know the drill...

* * *

**Kuraishi:** BOB!

**Tarenya:** KURAISHI!

**Kuraishi:** WHAT?

* * *

Fireworks shoot out across the sky. A tent flies up into the air and forms a giant turtle that slowly starts towards the screaming people. Very slowly…slowly…slow… Gandalf gives Merry and Pippin a wedge. "Look what you did! Poor turtle was to be saved for last! Hiss!"

"O.O"

"Suffer!" Gandalf makes them do the dishes.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** I love the third movie's extended scenes! 20 out of 20 for Sarumon, and Legolas is just so funny!

**Tarenya:** I know! "I feel something. A slight tingle in my fingers. I think it's affecting me!" We must add that later!

**Kuraishi:** We must! .

* * *

Pippin starts singing in a high-pitched voice, while he does the dishes. "PERRTY HORSIE! YOU'RE SO LOVELY! WHY YOU RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Merry whacks him upside the head, not knowing his own strength, knocking him out.

To Frodo and Sam

"YOU WILL DANCE WITH HER!"

"I'm scared…"

Frodo pushes Sam into the prancing Rose nearby. Sam is sweating and just peed his pants.

Gandalf

Stares at Merry and Pippin

Bilbo Bag…BILBO ABDOMEN!

* * *

**Tarenya:** O.o… o.O Why Abdomen?

**Bilbo appears:** I like the sound of Abdomen…

**Kuraishi:** Erm…um… (Runs away screaming) OOO pretty butterfly (runs into tree)

**Bilbo and Tarenya:** O.o… back to the story…o.O…yeah…

* * *

"SPEECH! SPEECH!" some hobbit yells.

Bilbo screams back. "NEVER! IN A MILLION YEARS!" A duck flies into the scene and hits Bilbo in the head. "FINE! But y'all owe me BIG time!"

SPEECH: (of Bilbo Bagg…Bilbo Abdomen)

"As you all know I am coming upon one hundred and elevnty years of age. I am definitely not proud to have known any of you." A gasp is heard somewhere in the crowd, and Bilbo waves it away. "All of you; The Proudfoots'…"

"Proudfeet!" someone smoking a pipe in crowd says again Bilbo waves it away.

"All of you; the Proudfeet, Baggins, blah blah blah… I will be leaving now and I will not be coming back for the rest of my life…" Frodo gasps and is shocked about this very disturbing news, everyone else laughs. Gandalf gets up and glares at everyone, the laughing stops. As everyone looks back at Bilbo and everyone gasps again. Bilbo is GONE! OH NO! WHAT SHALL WE DO!

* * *

**Tarenya:** (looks around all scared like) where did he go? (Scareder look) I think I just peed my pants! MOMMY!

**Kuraishi:** Calm down! Sheesh! He put the banana peel on his head and made himself invisible…remember?

**Tarenya:** (is calmed down now) oh…oh yeah! I remember (blush) now…

**Kuraishi:** oh brother…

* * *

Bilbo

Bilbo walks up the path to Bag End and snickers idiotically. Upon entering the house he throws the banana up then sticks it in his pocket, snickering all the while. Going into the living room he is startled…not startled…scared by Gandalf at the fireplace.

"Bilbo B…Abdomen!" Gandalf turns, his voice ringing in the halls. "How could you trick them like that?"

"I never liked them…"

"Oh well in that case… But what of Frodo?"

"He's ok…but…" Bilbo stalled.

"Give-Him-The-Banana!" Gandalf's words were mashed together and rashly spoken.

"But meh wants it…Meh thinks it looks good on my head!"

"But you can't see yourself when it's on your head…"

"True…but…you want it for yourself!"

"NO WAY DUDE! I mean" clears throat. "Bilbo Abdomen! I have no use for it! Though my wife would look mighty fine with it on…"

"What wife?"

"My pet tortoise!"

* * *

**Tarenya:** O.O Kuraishi…you are strange…

**Kuraishi:** I know… .

* * *

Later when Frodo runs in

"Jennifer! Jennifer!"

"O.O" Gandalf stares then shoots Frodo with a machine gun. Doesn't hit him once. "Man! I need to practice!" Hits Frodo with his staff knocking him out.

When Frodo wakes up a week later

"What…what happened to meh?" Frodo holds his head and scratches it like crazy. "Meh think I got lice…"

Gandalf stares and is about to shoot again when he remembers the banana. He takes it and puts it in an envelope and hands it to Frodo, who in turn takes it. "Keep it secret…keep it safe… AND DON'T YOU DARE START SINGING!"

"KEEP IT SECREEEET! KEEP IT SAAAAAAAAAAAAFE!" Pippin is heard singing, walking down the road, high, once again, on horses.

Gandalf and Frodo stare at the high off horses Pippin "O.O" Gandalf then breaks the stare and turns to Frodo. "I must go and search for some things…Remember: Keep it secret and safe!"

"KEEP IT SECRET! KEEP IT SAFE!" birds fly out if the tree, and some die. Some of the birds run into walls and trees in the poor attempt to get away. Pippin begins running around, screaming like a little girl.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** I think we should get back to Frodo now…

**Tarenya:** (nods while watching Pippin) now that's hardcore entertainment!

**Kuraishi:** I know!

* * *

Frodo opens the large envelope and takes out the banana. He looks at it with hunger in his eyes. "Can…Can I…Can I eat it?"

"NO!" Gandalf uses chopsticks to pick it up and throws the banana in the fire.

"Are we having a cooked banana split party?" The banana is thrown out of the fire "WOW" Frodo gawks.

"Do you see anything strange about the banana, Frodo?"

"Well, it's dancing…"

"Other than that. Like…is there any writing on it? Or anything like that?"

"Uhh… No… WAIT! I see something forming on the bottom… But it doesn't look like English…"

"Its not English. It's in Banaishlimicabalana. It says 'One banana to rule them all, one banana to give them hope, or to take it, one banana to enslave the rightful world, and give the master the King!'" Gandalf stopped. "I mean, 'to enslave the rightful king and give the master the world…"

"I am a banana!" a voice rang out in their ears.

Frodo looks around. "Wha-who was that?"

"That was the One Banana!"

"Hey! I heard of that Banana! I read about him in my book 'How to Manage Your Banana!' It was under the topic 'Naming', which was step three! 'First you must have a banana… Then you must keep it safe. Next you name it and give it washes regularly… Then you have to…

"THAT'S ENOUGH! Keep it secret keep it safe. And DO NOT put it on your head…" Gandalf sees that Frodo is doing his happy dance because he has the 'One Banana' mentioned in his book. "Never mind… Go ahead and put it on." Gandalf smiles evilly.

Frodo looks up. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?"

"Yes…keep it secret, keep it safe. DO NOT put it on and… HEY! I said this already!"

"I know…I just wanted you to be ann-"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" (Says a voice from the window) "Attack turtle!"

Gandalf goes over to the window and picks Sam up. "Samwise Gamgie! Were you eavesdropping?"

"Yes sir… I mean, No sir… I mean, may-beh…"

"That's my boy!" Gandalf grins.

"Uhh…" Sam and Frodo back away…

"What? He…uhh…um…er…you see…He…I got it! He called me sir!" Frodo and Sam still back away from the very very VERY weird, insane Gandalf. Gandalf is seen petting his wife turtle…

* * *

So? still no nose bleed? all well...

please review for little young me! and flamers if you have too, i will accept them


	3. Chapter 3

Nary: Ok! for this i brought in my best friend... (drum roll) Kuraishi A.K.A. Kit!

Kit: (waves with a strained smile) do i have to be here?

Nary: Yes! yes you do... or you cant meet Aragorn!

Kit: (eyes wide) What! no Aragorn! Then ill stay...

Nary: (pats her head) thatsa good doggie... i mean Friend...

Disclaimer: do i have to say it?

* * *

**Tarenya:** (walks up to Gandalf after pressing pause) WHY THE STINKIN' TURTLE!

**Gandalf:** (stares at Tarenya and shrugs) I don't know… I like turtles…

**Tarenya:** O.O…whatever…but turtles?"

**Kuraishi:** (walks up to Tarenya) leave it alone…turtles are cool…

**Tarenya:** I'm going mad! I just know it! (Presses play)

* * *

Gandalf puts his wife turtle back outside and then turns to Frodo and Sam. "Well… You, Frodo must bear the banana to Bree, where I shall meet you at the Prancing Pony in a weeks time!"

Frodo nods but Sam interrupts "What about meh?" Sam begins to cry.

Gandalf walks up to Sam and shows him to the door. "You will help Frodo on his journey to Bree…"

Sam dances the happy dance. "YIPPEE… It's my birthday! It's my birthday!"

Gandalf stares at him in horror "Erm…sure… Whatever helps you sleep at night…now go pack." He shoves Sam outside.

On the way to Bree after Gandalf disposes of them

Frodo runs through the cornfield with Sam, and Merry and Pippin who joined them seconds before, for their lives.

"No one wants some cookies?" a voice yells at them. "They're not poisoned. I swear!"

"Right lady! I'm not believing you for one second Vile Witch!" Sam yells back.

"Sam!" Merry and Pippin yell at the same time. Frodo's eyes glisten "MY HERO!" He glomps Sam. Sam faints in the middle of the road. Frodo gets off of him. "Ew…I cant believe I did that…" Frodo loses his balance and falls down the small hill. "YELP!" Everyone follows him. "WEE!" They flap their arms like wings. Hooves ring through the forest. They all hide and pee their pants making a puddle.

* * *

**Tarenya:** EW! GROSS!

**Kuraishi:** O.O

* * *

The ringwraith climbs off his horse and walks over to where they are. He can sense the banana is near. A very large rock falls somewhere and someone dies…" The ringwraith runs off… Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin sigh in relief. "That thing was looking for something…or someone…" Pippin says.

"Blame the banana!" Frodo holds it up and waves it around. He accidentally throws it off to the side. He picks it up on the road and is greeted by an uncomfortable sight. The ringwraith is standing right in front of them tapping his foot. They all scream and run off waving their arms around. The ringwraith quickly jumps onto his horse and follows after the wacky running hobbits

"Giiiiivvvvvvvessssss usssss!" It screams in high pitched like and more join the chase. The hobbits scream even louder and Merry, Pippin, and Sam jump onto the raft on the Brandywine Bridge and they yell "Jump Frodo (Mr. Frodo)!"

Frodo jumps onto the raft but…er…over it instead and into the water doing a really bad belly flop…(narrator pauses)

* * *

**Tarenya:** (Holds up a card saying, in bold print, **9.5**)

**Kuraishi:** (Holds up a card saying **9**)

**Gollum:** (Holds up an **8** and picks nose while petting Ralph)

**Tarenya and Kuraishi:** What are you doing here?

**Gollum:** Smuggling Ralph into California…

**Both:** oh…ok…keep going…

* * *

(Narrator starts again after pressing rewind)

"Jump Frodo (Mr. Frodo)!" Frodo jumps onto the raft, er, making it this time… The ringwraiths skid their horses to a stop before going into the water. Pippin sticks his tongue out and makes a weird face. The ringwraiths scream in response. They tramped over the gates of Bree and knocked the knocker. The old man looked through the peek hole then the lower one. "Who's there?"

"Wee-oo!" (Wraith sound). They were hiding against the door. The old man took a sniper and climbs the stairs to the top of the gate and sniped Frodo. Frodo dropped down. Sam, Merry, and Pippin begin crying but Frodo jumps up. "The hero can't die!"

The old man runs down the stairs and stands at the door again. Frodo knocks. "Who's there?"

"Just four hobbits looking for a place to rest…"

"You can rest with me anytime!" The old man says after he opened the gate. He winks.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** O.O that's disturbing…

**Tarenya:** (Hits rewind)

* * *

"Who's there?"

"Just four hobbits looking for a place to rest…"

"Alright. Don't get snobby and come on in…"

* * *

**Tarenya:** I really don't know you Kuraishi…

**Kuraishi:** You don't know me… But I know you…

**Tarenya:** O.O (runs off screaming)

**Kuraishi:** I'm supposed to though! It's in our constitution!

* * *

They all entered the Prancing Pony Inn. Frodo walked towards the counter and asked, "Has Gandalf the Grey arrived yet?"

"Huh? Who's there…Are you the ghosts that mister spoke of?"

"No, we be hobbits…" Frodo grins.

"Hobbit ghosts!"

"No, just hobbits…"

"Then why can't I see you?"

"We are down here…" Frodo jumps up and down waving his arms around.

"Ahh! I see ye now! So you're looking for…who?"

"Gandalf the Grey…"

"Gandalf…Gandalf…Ahh yes! Tall, nice fellow, cool hat. Haven't seen him since our yearly drinking party…"

"Gandalf…drink? Well, we'll wait then…"

To Gandalf!

"Lalala! I like flowers, you like flowers, we like floweeeers!" Gandalf's horse rears up, throwing him off, then runs away. "Fine! Be that way! Not my fault I'm not that good at singing…Meanie!" Gandalf sticks his tongue out and walks into the vaults of Minas Tirith. He does his research then leaves and goes to talk with Sarumon, who gets angry and fights him, sending Gandalf 'throw the roof'.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** Poor Gandalf…I wish I could help…

**Tarenya:** No you don't!

**Kuraishi:** True…Back to Frodo!

* * *

Frodo sat at a table with Sam and Merry. Pippin returned holding a REALLY big mug. "Pip, what's that? Merry asked.

"This, my friend, is a gallon!"

"OH! I want one!" Merry runs off and returns with three. He hands Frodo and Sam one each. Frodo takes it and looks around. He sees a man staring at him. Frodo signals the barkeeper and asks, "Who is that man? He's been watching me for some time… Is he gay or something? O.O"

"Aye, him gay? Nay. That be Strider. Not much is known about 'em rangers, so I can't tell you much.

"Alright…" Frodo heard Merry's voice in the crowd.

"I know a Baggins! Frodo Baggins! 'E's just o'er there! Come wit' meh and I'll show ye!" Frodo fell and the banana slipped onto his head. Frodo disappeared and the ranger stood up. Quickly Frodo reappeared. The ranger grabbed Frodo's arm and pulled him upstairs roughly. Frodo felt like yelling "RAPE!" or "BLOODY MURDER!" but before he could they were in the room. Frodo panicked. He whined and was near tears.

Strider pulled down the curtains so no one could see in. "Might fine trick you pulled there. Sure I can make myself non-visible when I want, but to disappear completely, that takes something more…"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** I love his voice… (Hits rewind)

* * *

Strider pulled down the curtains so no one could see in. "Might fine trick you pulled there. Sure I can make myself non-visible when I want, but to disappear completely, that takes something more…"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** (Sighs and hits rewind)

* * *

Strider pulled down the curtains so no one could see in. "Might fine trick you pulled there. Sure I can make myself non-visible when I want, but to disappear completely, that takes something more…"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** (is about to hit rewind again when Tarenya walks in)

**Tarenya:** Stop doing that!

**Kuraishi:** fine… It sounds weird somehow… One more time?

**Tarenya:** All right…

**Kuraishi:** (Hits rewind)

* * *

Strider pulled down the curtains so no one could see in. "Might fine trick you pulled there. Sure I can make myself non-visible when I want, but to disappear completely, that takes something more…"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** One more time?

**Tarenya:** NO!

* * *

Still no nose bleed? dangit! i mean... good?

tell me whatcha think and i might listen .


	4. Chapter 4

Kit: so how is everything today? i think this is the fourth update you managed yes? in just today?

Nary: (nod) yes... ive been busy... but this will be the last till i dont know when...maybe tomorrow i think... oh ive been meaning to mention this but this whole story is copyrighted work of me and my friend...so dont go saying its yours to whoever when its not!

Kit: you dont say?

Gollum: She does...

Kit/Nary: (wide scared eyes) You're scary Gollum...especially with that fish of your...

Gollum: (holds up Ralph) you mean him?

Kit/Nary: O.O

Disclaimer: I own nothing! T.T Nothing in this world worth mentioning!

* * *

"Who-who are you?"

"That is not important…" Sam, Merry, and Pippin run in. Strider stares at them.

"Unhand him you rapist!" Sam yells.

"My, my. I wish not to harm him. You talk mighty bold for one your age. You wouldn't last a minute against me…" He motioned out the window, "Or them…" The ringwraiths wee-ooh and Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin all hide behind Strider. Strider grips the hilt of his sword but relaxes as the ringwraiths gallop off. "Don't be too worried young hobbits. We will be fine." Strider turned to them. "You will not find Gandalf here. You must continue on to Rivendell and meet him there."

"Riven-what?" Frodo asked, stupid as usual.

"Rivendell! That's were the elves are!" Sam grinned.

"ELVES! ARE SO SHWEET! THEY ARE SO SHWEET!" Pippin starts to sing but Merry clubs him in the head.

"Sorry Pip…"

"..."

Later that Night

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are sleeping in beds and Strider is sitting in a chair keeping watch.

With the Wraiths

The ringwraiths walk into a bedroom and stab the four beds. Taking off the covers they see nothing but pillows and rubber chickens. They grin. "We did it!" One says.

Kuraishi and Tarenya walk in. "Your not supposed to speak!" Kuraishi yells. "And those aren't them! Those are RUBBER CHICKENS!" Tarenya says to them in agreement. They both leave and the wraiths wee-ooh.

With Strider and the hobbits

All the hobbits sit up as the wraiths wee-oo enters their ears. "The clowns are gonna eat me!" Frodo screams in angst. Everyone looks at him funny. Frodo holds his side and fakes a sob. "I meant wraiths…ow?" Frodo holds his side tighter and pretends to fall asleep and sleepwalk out the door. He goes to the pub in the Inn and orders a gallon of ale.

"Mr. Underhill, are you sure you should be drinking all that? I mean you didn't fair well with your last one, with fallin' and dissapearin' and all that…"

"Oh shut up! Just because I drunk all in here and get come doesn't mean I…uhh…"

Strider appeared behind him. "I'll take care of him…" Strider picks him up by the collar and walked out, Sam, Merry, and Pippin following. Once they were outside Strider whispered to them. "Gandalf the Grey has requested we meet him in Rivendell, lets go." Three horses appeared and Strider mounted.

"How are we going to ride with only three horses?" Merry asked.

"Good thing you asked…"

An Hour Later

Frodo and Sam are riding one horse, and Merry and Pippin on the other, and Strider on his own horse. "Strider! This-horse-is-giving-me-a-wedge!" Frodo yells.

Four days later after they talk about food and different meals of the day and Po-ta-toes and they find the Watchers Tower to stay and sleep. And Sam, Merry, and Pippin light a fire attracting the ringwraiths and they come and are about to stab Frodo…

"Ghaa!" Frodo shouts as he is invisible and the Witch King stabs him. The banana falls off his head. Strider runs to the rescue with a flaming torch and attacks the ringwraiths. The wraiths run away, still on fire, we-oooing.

Strider kneels next to Frodo. "He's been stabbed by a Morgul Blade. This is beyond my healing. We have to get him to Rivendell quick or he will become one of them…"

They ride off…

With Gandalf the not so Grey anymore because Sarumon the White went Multi-Colored…

Gandalf is on the roof talking with the moth. The moth laughs as Gandalf tells his duck joke.

"Ok. So there are these two rubber ducks in a bathtub. One duck turns to the other and says, 'Pass me the bare of soap.' The other duck turns back to him and says, 'what do I look like? A lampshade?'" Gandalf cracks up and the moth looks at him funny. "Ghaa, just go get me the eagle…"

Back to Frodo and Strider

Strider throws Frodo on the ground. "Stop turning, dang it!" He then turns to Sam. "Sam, go and find some weeds with blue flowers and red thorns…"

* * *

**Tarenya:** That's Shrek!

**Kuraishi:** I know…

* * *

Sam runs off. "Why did I have to be color blind?"

Strider is kneeling and pulling some of the flowers from the ground. A sword unsheathes and is placed at his throat. "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?" A voice says.

* * *

**Kuraishi:** (seen chained down to a chair) WHY CAN'T I KILL HER YET?

**Tarenya:** (tapes Kuraishi's mouth shut) Because…

* * *

Arwyn stands next to Frodo. "Frodo, crid ib oui pycdynt! Rumt uh, E'mm irr cyja oui…"

* * *

**Tarenya:** Your supposed to be speaking in Elvin not Al Bhed!

**Kuraishi: **(gagged and still tied up) Idh he ammy wangedye uii keen meemohize…(It's the only language I can memorize…)

**Tarenya:** I still don't know you…

* * *

Frodo's eyes were blank as he stared at Arwyn ready to attack. (Go Frodo!) "Do you know what stabbed him?" Arwyn asked.

"Yes. A Morgul Blade. I must take him to Rivendell, can you stay with the hobbits?"

"I am the faster rider, I will take him…"

"But…ma'am…" Sam started.

"I know what follows you. I can outrun them the easiest."

"Alright. Go now…"

Arwyn grabbed Frodo by the color and lifted him to the horse. "Ride!"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** (Somehow managed to get untied and is holding her gag) I could think of soooo many ways to kill her… Or mortally wound her… Or do…other…cruel unusual things…

**Tarenya:** that would be against the 8th amendment of the constitution for the United States of America

**Kuraishi:** Fine! Ruin my fun!

* * *

Arwyn makes it to the river the horses attack the wraiths and Frodo almost is consumed/taken over.

At Rivendell after they reunite

"Who will take the banana?" Elrond yells.

"Shawd up!" some old lady, sitting next to Gimli yells. She is sniped and killed.

"One of us must take it to Mordork!"

"I want to hit it!" Gimli walks up and hits it with his axe "Ghaa!" Banana is un-hit. "O.O" "Ohh-Awe" (everyone)

"I will take it." Legolas suggests.

"I will not let it be taken by an elf!" Gimli says.

"I say we destroy it…I guess I'm a little late…" Aragorn spoke up, just three minutes too late.

"O.O who are you to tell us what to do?" Borimir says.

"He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Descendent of Isildur…" Legolas grinned.

* * *

So... anyways, i was talking to Kit earlier... and well i havent seen her in a while... i miss her T.T

anywho, review! flame! all you want... i dont really care which...ok yes i do


	5. Chapter 5

Nary: ok… I got some questions that have to do with this…

Gollum: what kind? (raspy voice)

Kit: bad ones…

Gollum: (glances between Kit and Nary) What kind of bad ones?

Nary: if we were high when we did this…

Gollum: is that really bad?

Kit: yes…

Nary: because we weren't… well at some points yes because of the Kool-Aid… which is now called Coke-Aids… but that's beside the point

Kit: it's supposed to be stupid! Like a Monty Python kind of stupid… but I don't think we went that far… Anywho, Chapter 5! . it just gets stupider and stupider…so if you don't want to read, don't!

**Disclaimer:** I wish I owned it…

* * *

In the meantime  
Merry and Pippin run into the scene after Sam. "We are going to come with you on your journey…quest…thing…" Pippin says. 

"Quest…thing?" Merry nudged Pippin.

Kuraishi walked in. "You guys are early…"

"Sorry…" they leave.

Everyone starts fighting. "I will take it!" Frodo yells. Everyone continues. "I WILL TAKE THE BANANA!" Frodo is getting annoyed. "I AM TAKING THE STUPID BANANA!" Everyone stops and stares at him, and Gandalf begins to cry.

Sam runs out. "I'm going with him!" Gandalf steps up, "As am I…"

"And I" Gimli laughs. "My axe is yours…"

"And my bow!" Legolas walks over and stands next to them.

"And my sword!" Aragorn walks towards them.

Merry and Pippin run out. "I'm not saying all that again."

Elrond smiled "so you shall be known as…"

"Eh, wait for us!" Kuraishi and Tarenya run out.

"You have my scimitars!" Tarenya yells.

"And my katana's!"

Elrond cleared his throat. "As I was saying. You shall be known as 'The Fellowship of the Banana." Everyone parties and gets drunk except Legolas and Aragorn who don't have anything to drink along with Kuraishi and Tarenya, who only had one glass of sake. In the morning everyone, except the ones mentioned above, have hangovers. They decide to leave in three days time.

Three Days Later

Arwyn and Aragorn are talking. Arwyn gives Aragorn her necklace thing. "I choose the mortal life."

"Arwyn! For the last time! I don't like you! You're a good friend and all but I don't like you like that!"

"I know that you're just saying that so that you don't let Kuraishi know you like me…" She grins.

"I don't like you!"

Kuraishi and Tarenya are sneaking around. "Can I please kill her?" Kuraishi whispers.

"Soon my friend…soon…"

Merry and Pippin walk in. Pippin starts singing to Merry. "If you chew my bubble gum, I will follow… youuuuuu!"

"Hey! Tarenya! Kuraishi!" Merry yells.

"You idiot! You're going to blow our cover!"

"Yeah!" Kuraishi agrees. Both Kuraishi and Tarenya tackle Merry and Pippin. Kuraishi bites their arms.

"Kuraishi!"

"Tarenya! Be quiet! He'll hear us." Kuraishi whispers to Tarenya.

"OH yeah…" Tarenya replied as silently as a snake asking for tea…

Merry and Pippin run off when Kuraishi pulls out an Kolt 45 and gets ready to shoot Arwyn. She changes her mind and pulls out an AKA 47. "More accurate…" She quickly sets it up on a rock and gets ready to fire, aiming for her heart.

"Watcha doing Kuraishi?" Tarenya placed a hand on Kuraishi's shoulder, and the gun is fired.

With Arwyn and Aragorn

Arwyn screams out in pain, "OW! MY FOOT!" she begins jumping up and down holding her bloody foot. Aragorn runs away while Arwyn is distracted.

Back with Tar and Kura

Kuraishi glares at Tarenya. "I wasn't going to miss if it weren't for you…"

"Sorry…" Tarenya says.

"Oh well, we'll make her die by injuring her internally!" Kuraishi smiles.

Tarenya backs away from her. "Uhh…yeah…"

The Next Day

"Ok…so maybe we all got distracted, but anyway, lets get going…"

After countless minutes of the movie they reach the snowy mountains and begin to hear Sarumon

A snowball is flung at them. "OW! That was a big snowball! Who could have thrown that at us when we are so far up?" Borimir asked. Everyone shrugs and they are all hit with another except Tarenya and Kuraishi who make cool force fields around themselves, Aragorn, and Legolas.

Pippin begins to sing, "LALA! SNOWBALL! LALALALA!" A snowball is hurled at Pippin.

Later at Moria

The giant Dodo bird that lives in the lake attacks Pippin. "MY SINGING ISN'T THAT BAD!"

Aragorn and Borimir chop at the Dodo bird's feet. Pippin falls from the bird's mouth and Borimir catches him. Tarenya and Kuraishi charge the Dodo bird and Legolas shoots from afar. Finally the bird falls back into the water…er…knocked out. Yeah knocked out. Gandalf steps up to the door and shakes his head.

"I forgot the friggin' key!"

Pippin walks forward and stares at the door. "IT'S A RIDDLE! IT'S A RIDDLE! YOU ONLY NEED SAY FRIEND IN ELVISH! IT'S A RIDDLE!"

Gandalf glares at Pippin and silently curses himself under his breath. "_Mellon_." The door swings open and Gandalf walks in hitting Pippin in the process. Everyone else follows the cursing Gandalf into Moria. Gandalf quietly said something to his staff and the room brightened. Sam shrieked and ran behind Frodo. Legolas stooped down and pulled an arrow out a dwarf corpse. He stared at it then up at Gandalf. "Goblin." His blue eyes held malice as he speaks.

* * *

**Tarenya:** (sighs dreamily and hits rewind) 

Legolas stooped down and pulled an arrow out a dwarf corpse. He stared at it then up at Gandalf. "Goblin." His blue eyes held malice as he speaks.

* * *

**Tarenya:** He's so serious (sighs again and hits rewind)

* * *

Legolas stooped down and pulled an arrow out a dwarf corpse. He stared at it then up at Gandalf. "Goblin." His blue eyes held malice as he speaks.

* * *

**Tarenya:** (looks over at the sleeping Kuraishi. Grins evilly and hits the rewind button)

* * *

Legolas stooped down and pulled an arrow out a dwarf corpse. He stared at it then up at Gandalf. "Goblin." His blue eyes held malice as he speaks.

* * *

**Tarenya:** (Is about to hit rewind but is electrocuted. Looks over at Kura and sees her grinning evilly) 

**Kuraishi:** Just get on with it! (Presses play)

* * *

Merry stood on top of the well and began tap dancing. He also begins to sing. "I am Merry! And you are not!"

* * *

**Kuraishi:** (Presses pause) you know this is why I put US in the story. So we didn't have to press pause…

**Tarenya:** Oh… I see…

* * *

As Merry is tap dancing he 'accidentally' kicks the corpse down the well. "I am Merry! And you are not!"

"Merry!" Gandalf walked over and hit him upside the head. He picked up the diary and began reading. "'Help, the evil, carrot throwing, top hat wearing bunnies of Mordork are attacking!'"

Frodo ran over and jumped on Gandalf's back. "What's that Gandalf? Reading someone's diary I see?"

Gandalf paused his eyes shifting back and forth, "No…"

Gimli looked up. "Oh yeah…" He took a deep breath. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Everyone stared at him "Uh…you're a little late…"

"Kuso…"

"Gimli!" Kuraishi walked up to him, "No cussing in Japanese! Plus, you said it wrong! Its kuso (kuu-so) no kuso (cuss-o)!"

"Kuraishi! Now you just said it!" Tarenya grinned.

* * *

yeah another chapter! sry it took so long... it wouldnt upload for some reason --; so here it is now! on to the next chapter! 


	6. Chapter 6

Nary: Yay! I'm just going to post up the rest of the story...because i hate waiting, dont you?

Kit: why didnt you just post all of it at the beginning?

Nary: i'm not quite sure, (shrug) because i like making people wait? i dont know... Oh, i promised you, you could meet Aragorn if you behaved right?

Kit: yeah...

Nary: well... (drags Aragorn onto stage) here ya go!

Kit: yay! (glomps Aragorn) .

Nary: O.O; ok then...

**Disclaimer:** do i have to say it?

* * *

-Later when Gandalf is about to go BYE-BYE-

Gandalf is hanging on the ledge. "Run you fools!" He lets go and falls.

"Gandalf! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Frodo breaks down and almost commits suicide.

-Later-

The bunnies had followed them out of the cave. "Run from the evil, carrot throwing, top hat wearing bunnies! They will kill us all!" Frodo yelled.

"Konnichi wa! Watashitachi aru anata no mahotsukai tomodachi!"

Kuraishi stopped, "Oh my gosh! Their Japanese!"

"What they say?" Pippin asked.

"They said, 'Hello! We have your wizard friend!'" Frodo gasped.

"I'll try and make peace with them…" Kuraishi mumbled and walked up to them.

-To the Negotiation-

"Konnichi wa ja'aku usagi(s)"

Tarenya walks over to translate "Hello evil bunny(s)!"

"Konnichi wa ningin"

"Hello human" Tarenya chuckled.

"Shi ne usagi(s) jigoku Kara!"

"Die evil bunny(s) from hell!"

Kuraishi took out two daggers and began hacking the-evil-carrot-throwing-top-hat-wearing-bunnies-from-Mordork. "Sayonara!" The bunnies chimed as they littered the ground.

"Bye-bye!" Tarenya began laughing really hard.

"Uhh… Tarenya?"

"Hmm?" Kuraishi gave Tarenya a smack upside the head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"You can stop translating now…"

"Still doesn't explain why you hit me…"

"I know!" Kuraishi ran off and hid behind a tree. The Fellowship continued walking until they reached the not-so-evil-as-the-evil-carrot-throwing-top-hat-wearing-bunnies-from-Mordork-forest-of-doomy-doom-doom-doom. They decided to stop and sleep before they entered the forest.

-Middle of the night-

Gimli sees Arwyn crossing a street to Aragorn. He walks over to her. "Hey old lady! Can I help you cross the street?" Gimli is somehow now in a Girl Scout uniform.

Arwyn stares at him blankly. "You have problems…" She yells and begins hitting him on the head.

"Gimli falls backwards then gets up. "I have a bone to pick with you, lady!"

Arwyn glares at him, "YOU'RE MENTAL!"

Borimir runs and pushes Gimli, "Bad!" He begins hitting Arwyn with the sharp part of his sword. Gimli cheers as she goes unconscious.

-Later after entering the forest-

A rustle resounds in the trees. "Get the kakuheiki," someone whispers

Kuraishi stands confused. "Nuclear Weapon?"

The elves jump out and place swords, spears, and loose arrows at their necks. "You have entered the not- so- evil-as-the-evil-carrot-throwing-top-hat-wearing-bunnies-of-Mordork-forest-of-doomy-doom-doom-doom. You will not leave…"

Frodo steps forward. "But we need to take the banana to Mordork and destroy it!"

"Oh in that case… But come and rest at our town thingy!" Everyone agreed except Tarenya and Kuraishi because they don't like Galadriel. (See first few pages…)

-In the elves place, thingy…-

Everyone was standing in a circle. Two elves ran in "The kakuheiki is right out side!"

Galadriel glared at them. "Well put it away! We need these people to live…" She paused "For now…" The elves trembled and ran in fear.

-Later that night-

Galadriel slowly walked to her pan of water drawing Frodo with her. 'I know what it is you seek to do…' she said in his mind. 'And I know what will happen if you die…'

Frodo stared at her silently then slowly raised his hand with the banana in it. "Fine then ol' lady! You take it!" Frodo throws the banana at Galadriel.

Galadriel catches the banana and her eyes flash, "Finally! I have the One Banana!" she dances the happy dance then notices Frodo staring at her. "Umm…" She smoothes back her hair and throws the banana back at Frodo. 'You are the only one who can take it…' She continues in his mind.

"But why MEH!" Frodo whines.

"Because I told you TO!" Galadriel yells back. "Now look into the pan of water…"

Frodo looks and is drawn in by the power of Sauron's Evil Eye! He cries out and is thrown back. "Go to sleep Frodo, you need to rest…" She said and Frodo left "… So I can plot of my master plan!"

-The next day-

Everyone was standing in a circle again. Galadriel stepped forward. "Alright, you can have lambes, white, or pumpernickel bread…"

Frodo snickered. "Ehehehe… white…"

Galadriel smiled. "Lambes bread it is." Everyone who was standing near her takes a step back. She walks up to Frodo. "I give to you the star of Nuhil." Then to Legolas. "I give you a Lorthlorian bow," Legolas admires it, then to Gimli "I give to you three stands of my hair…" then to Merry, Pippin, Borimir, and Aragorn, "I give to you all daggers…" Then to Sam, "I give to you Elvin rope…" To the Fellowship, "I give to all of you my blessings and Lorthlorian cloaks… Oh, and lambes bread…" She looks over to Tarenya and Kuraishi. "Umm… here," She throws a staff at Tarenya and a bow to Kuraishi."

Kuraishi gins and stretched the bow. She notched an arrow and let it go. Gimli yelped in pain. "Sorry Gimli!" Kuraishi grumbled, "I wasn't aiming for your bu…ahh…yeah…"

"We better get going…" Borimir's eyes were wide. Everyone left in the Lorthlorian boats down that one river. Gollum slowly followed after them in the guise of a… LOG! It was a beautiful log, with branches and leaves and bugs all over it. It was so… (A rock hits the narrator) OW! Fine, one with the story… They stopped near the Two Great King Statues for rest, food, and a… PLAN!

"We will need to go through the mountains and then…"

"Go through the swamps that drag you under and the barren lands that smolder you to death with heat! And then Mordork where the Eye sees everything!" Gimli exclaims.

"Yes Gimli. We go through all that. Now Frodo…" Aragorn looks around and gets a puzzled expression, "Where's Frodo?"

"And Borimir?" Legolas points out.

"Ahh… their in love!" Sings the birdies. Gimli is holding his hand to his face. "I got three hairs!"

To Frodo and Borimir

Frodo is wearing a pink tutu and running away from Borimir in slow motion. "Frrooddoo! Ggiivvee mmee tthhee bbaannaannaa…"

"Nnoooooooooooooooo!" Frodo suddenly ran off in super speed. "Weeeeeeee!"

Borimir stopped and stared at Frodo "Uhh… okay?"

* * *

Wee? i dont know...please review if you would be so kind! .


	7. Chapter 7

Nary: (cries in corner)

Gollum: (raspy voice, seen petting pet fish, Ralph) whats wrong with her?

Kit: just leave her along for now... she cant take that its almost over...

Gollum: what is? (hugs Ralph closer to chest) you're making Ralph nervous...

Kit: i know... but... but... (bursts out crying)

**Disclaimer:** i dont own this, but in the near future i WILL own everything else!

* * *

-Later when the bunnies come-

"Konban wa!" The bunnies yell.

"Konban wa my arsenal!" Kuraishi shouted. Everyone stared. "What? Arsenal as in weapons…" She grinned, "Don'tcha know?" the battle commenced and Frodo snuck off, Sam, Tarenya, and Kuraishi following. The bunnies captured Merry and Pippin and Borimir died, everyone cries…

-With Frodo-

Frodo silently steals a boat and goes across…well half way…before Sam comes out and screams at Frodo to let him come. "I'm coming with you Mr. Frodo!"

"And us!" Tarenya yells as Kuraishi and she run out to the boat, or run and swim… Sam runs out too but begins to drown.

"Hey Tar?"

"Yeah Kura?"

"Should we let him drown?" Frodo saves Sam. "Too late…" They say in unison.

-With the others-

Aragorn and Legolas cheered as the dead Borimir went over the falls. Gimli cried.

-Merry & Pippin-

Merry and Pippin are sitting in a circle with the bunnies that captured them and having tea.

-Back to Frodo-

They climb over the mountain face, Sam heaving with exhaustion. Tarenya stares at the lush grasslands in front of her. "E's rusa ykyeh!" Everyone stares at her and Kuraishi smacks her across the head. "This isn't your home… Baka…"

Tarenya turns to her. "You wanna say that to my face!"

"Baka"

"Baka"

"Baka"

"Baka"

"Baka"

"Baka"

"B…"

"ENOUGH!" Sam and Frodo yell. They shake their heads and walk off towards Mordork…

* * *

**Tar:** I think we're doing pretty well with this trilogy…

**Kura:** Maybeh…

**Tar:** what crawled up your butt?

**Kura: **nottin'! .

**Tar:** OK! Well, we'll see you next time on…

**Both:** LORD OF THE BANANA! THE TWO BANANA TOWERS!

(Sci fi music plays in the background…)

**Tar:** bet you couldn't tell which person was which author! MUAHAHAHA! You will never know!

(Sci fi music continues to play in the background…)

* * *

well, once we have the second thing written up ill post it on here! so be on the lookout!

hope you guys had fun with this story, i know i did when i was writting it with Kit!

thank you again for reading... and that concludes this story (cries)


	8. Notice

**The sequel to this story is out! Look for _Lord of the Banana: Two Banana Towers_! The story is up and awaiting readers!**

**_Akira_**

"_He is not pregnant!"_


End file.
